Thank you for articulating what is such a complex issue. It’s something I have lived and ongoing experience of and it’s incredibly hard some days to live with, not least because our nervous system patterning compels us to maintain that attachment. A silent biological pull mixed with a longing for peace and accountability that never arrives is a heavy weight. Some days I’m fine. Others, fragmented again. Please know that writing this names something so many of us live with 💜 A gentle offering: The Apology by V (Eve Ensler) is an incredible book that has really helped me and I’ve recommended it to many clients.
Thank you for both these kind words and the recommendation which I will definitely read. I don't think I realised how many people were dealing with this too. It really is so unspoken.
Agreed. Always the way. The most shared experiences often seem to be kept in the dark, shrouded in secrecy and shame. Naming them shifts something more than our experience so keep doing what you’re doing! X
Thank you, Kristie, for sharing your being with courage and vulnerability. 💜 I relate with the words you have woven in this piece, and appreciate it deeply. May you continuously be safe, protected, valued, and loved. 🪻🐺🪶
I think what you've named so elegantly is the continued psychic toll that estrangement requires. That person doesn't cease to exist in your mind, the longing for love and affection doesn't go away. The work moves into a place of noticing the grief of not having the relationship you wish you had, and allowing it to be rather than trying whatever mental gymnastics it takes to make the relationship work and being disappointed, hurt, ashamed, angry that it didn't.
You always write with such clarity Kristie. I was estranged from my mother for over twenty years for similar reasons to those that you relate here. I chose not to visit her at the end of her life. I always missed the mother I knew she had often been, and still do, years after her death.
Thank you for the kind words, and thank you for sharing this.
I made the same choice with my dad (who was absent from my life for a very long time) and I think it surprises people that even with hindsight I do not regret it. And it wasn’t a decision made from anger or maliciousness at all. I think that people find that very hard to believe.
Thank you for articulating what is such a complex issue. It’s something I have lived and ongoing experience of and it’s incredibly hard some days to live with, not least because our nervous system patterning compels us to maintain that attachment. A silent biological pull mixed with a longing for peace and accountability that never arrives is a heavy weight. Some days I’m fine. Others, fragmented again. Please know that writing this names something so many of us live with 💜 A gentle offering: The Apology by V (Eve Ensler) is an incredible book that has really helped me and I’ve recommended it to many clients.
Thank you for both these kind words and the recommendation which I will definitely read. I don't think I realised how many people were dealing with this too. It really is so unspoken.
Agreed. Always the way. The most shared experiences often seem to be kept in the dark, shrouded in secrecy and shame. Naming them shifts something more than our experience so keep doing what you’re doing! X
Very much feel this. I don't think a lot of people realise that these choices come with such a heavy cost, even when we know they're for the best.
Thank you, Kristie, for sharing your being with courage and vulnerability. 💜 I relate with the words you have woven in this piece, and appreciate it deeply. May you continuously be safe, protected, valued, and loved. 🪻🐺🪶
I think what you've named so elegantly is the continued psychic toll that estrangement requires. That person doesn't cease to exist in your mind, the longing for love and affection doesn't go away. The work moves into a place of noticing the grief of not having the relationship you wish you had, and allowing it to be rather than trying whatever mental gymnastics it takes to make the relationship work and being disappointed, hurt, ashamed, angry that it didn't.
You always write with such clarity Kristie. I was estranged from my mother for over twenty years for similar reasons to those that you relate here. I chose not to visit her at the end of her life. I always missed the mother I knew she had often been, and still do, years after her death.
Thank you for the kind words, and thank you for sharing this.
I made the same choice with my dad (who was absent from my life for a very long time) and I think it surprises people that even with hindsight I do not regret it. And it wasn’t a decision made from anger or maliciousness at all. I think that people find that very hard to believe.
Agree with all of this.